1 00:00:00,400 --> 00:00:00,400 3 00:00:44,920 --> 00:00:49,000 My lord, there is someone at the door to see you. 4 00:00:49,520 --> 00:00:51,000 - What time is it? - Four o'clock. 5 00:00:51,920 --> 00:00:58,000 You mustn't let me sleep all day. This woman charges by the hour. 6 00:00:58,680 --> 00:01:01,000 No, my lord, it's four o'clock in the morning. 7 00:01:01,280 --> 00:01:04,000 Someone wants to see me at four in the morning? 8 00:01:04,319 --> 00:01:08,000 - What is he, a giant lark? - No, he's a priest. 9 00:01:08,840 --> 00:01:11,000 Tell him I'm Jewish. 10 00:01:11,799 --> 00:01:14,000 Aren't you going to introduce me, then? 11 00:01:14,560 --> 00:01:18,000 Aren't you going to introduce me to your friend? 12 00:01:18,840 --> 00:01:21,000 Baldrick, I'm delighted to introduce you to ... 13 00:01:22,159 --> 00:01:25,000 - Sorry, I've forgotten your name. - Mollie. 14 00:01:25,719 --> 00:01:29,000 - This is Mollie. A dear friend. - I'm not dear. 15 00:01:30,200 --> 00:01:33,000 I'm very reasonable actually, Baldrick. 16 00:01:33,280 --> 00:01:37,000 Most would charge an extra sixpence for all the things he wants to do. 17 00:01:38,200 --> 00:01:41,000 Baldrick, this is Mollie. An inexpensive prostitute. 18 00:01:41,560 --> 00:01:46,000 Mollie, this is Baldrick. A pointless peasant. 19 00:01:46,239 --> 00:01:50,000 - What about the priest? - Tell him to get out of here. 20 00:01:50,560 --> 00:01:53,000 If he comes begging again... 21 00:01:53,239 --> 00:01:56,000 ..I shall report him to the Bishop of Bath and Wells... 22 00:01:56,280 --> 00:02:00,000 ..who drowns babies and eats them in the vestry afterwards. 23 00:02:00,239 --> 00:02:02,000 Very good, my lord. 24 00:02:02,799 --> 00:02:07,000 - Bye, Baldrick. - Bye-bye, Mollie. 25 00:02:07,519 --> 00:02:10,000 Get out! 26 00:02:10,800 --> 00:02:15,000 When you should be whispering sweet nothings like: 27 00:02:15,319 --> 00:02:20,000 "Something twice the size of the Royal Barge has hove into view"... 28 00:02:21,390 --> 00:02:22,000 You don't say a word. 29 00:02:22,680 --> 00:02:26,000 But enter the Creature Of The Black Latrine and you won't stop jabbering. 30 00:02:27,120 --> 00:02:28,000 He was treating me like a human being. 31 00:02:29,390 --> 00:02:35,000 If I wanted a lecture on the rights of Man, I would have slept with Martin Luther. 32 00:02:37,159 --> 00:02:40,000 Yes, Baldrick. What is it now? 33 00:02:40,960 --> 00:02:43,000 The priest still wants to see you. 34 00:02:43,280 --> 00:02:47,000 Did you mention the baby-eating Bishop of Bath and Wells? 35 00:02:47,639 --> 00:02:51,000 He said: "I am the baby-eating Bishop of Bath and Wells!" 36 00:02:51,280 --> 00:02:52,000 Good lord! 37 00:02:52,840 --> 00:02:57,000 - You haven't got any children? - No. I'm not married. 38 00:02:57,319 --> 00:03:01,000 In that case, I'll skip breakfast and get straight down to business. 39 00:03:01,800 --> 00:03:04,000 Do you know what day it is today? 40 00:03:04,960 --> 00:03:07,000 It is exactly one year ago... 41 00:03:08,800 --> 00:03:11,000 ..that the Bank of the Black Monks of St. Herod, 42 00:03:11,560 --> 00:03:16,000 "Banking with a smile and a stab", of which I am the assistant manager, 43 00:03:17,800 --> 00:03:21,000 lent you one thousand pounds. 44 00:03:21,240 --> 00:03:27,000 Our motto is: Repayment or Revenge. 45 00:03:27,879 --> 00:03:32,000 Of course, and naturally I'd have paid you back, but... 46 00:03:33,000 --> 00:03:36,000 I've gone and lost my wallet. 47 00:03:36,639 --> 00:03:40,000 Disastrous! It had all my little notes saying: 48 00:03:40,599 --> 00:03:43,000 "Forget ye not" and, of course, all my money! 49 00:03:43,879 --> 00:03:47,000 That's no concern of mine. The debt is now due. 50 00:03:47,240 --> 00:03:53,000 Not to repay a loan is a sin, and we Black Monks, we hate sin! 51 00:03:53,800 --> 00:03:58,000 Your Grace, this is my mother. Mother this is... 52 00:03:58,719 --> 00:04:02,000 Good morning, my dear. 53 00:04:02,400 --> 00:04:05,000 I hope you haven't forgotten our appointment. 54 00:04:06,800 --> 00:04:08,000 Of course not, Pumpy! 55 00:04:08,879 --> 00:04:12,000 You know, I have a mind to play "Nuns and Novices". 56 00:04:12,800 --> 00:04:15,000 - So don't forget your wimple. - OK! 57 00:04:15,960 --> 00:04:19,000 And, as for you, you come with me. 58 00:04:19,519 --> 00:04:22,000 - Where? - To visit the last poor fool who... 59 00:04:23,120 --> 00:04:27,000 ..lost his wallet! 60 00:04:30,120 --> 00:04:35,000 "William Greeves: born 1513 in Chelshood with the love of Christ." 61 00:04:35,480 --> 00:04:38,000 "Died 1563 in... 62 00:04:39,000 --> 00:04:43,000 ..agony with a spike up his bottom." 63 00:04:44,120 --> 00:04:47,000 'Tis ever with the Black Monks! 64 00:04:48,790 --> 00:04:54,000 Scream and gurgle as they skewered his catflap for want of a farthing! 65 00:04:54,240 --> 00:04:57,000 I think you get my message. 66 00:04:57,959 --> 00:05:01,000 Tell me, Bishop, let me just test the waters here, so to speak. 67 00:05:02,120 --> 00:05:04,000 Supposing I was to say to you: 68 00:05:04,720 --> 00:05:08,000 I'm a friend of the Queen's and I think she would like to hear... 69 00:05:08,639 --> 00:05:16,000 ..about you, Mollie and the wimple. Why don't we just call it quits, Fatso? 70 00:05:16,519 --> 00:05:20,000 I would say, firstly, the Queen would not believe you. 71 00:05:20,839 --> 00:05:27,000 And secondly, you'll regret calling me Fatso later today! 72 00:05:27,519 --> 00:05:32,000 I will have my money by Evensong tonight or... 73 00:05:33,120 --> 00:05:39,000 Your bottom will wish it had never been born! 74 00:05:43,120 --> 00:05:48,000 Poor Tom's cold! Pity poor Tom for his nose is frozen. 75 00:05:48,600 --> 00:05:52,000 And he does shiver, and he's mad! 76 00:05:52,279 --> 00:05:55,000 Oh, shut up! 77 00:05:55,800 --> 00:05:59,000 So, lads. I'm up a certain creek without a certain instrument. 78 00:05:59,680 --> 00:06:04,000 Either I raise a thousand pounds by this evening, or I get murdered. 79 00:06:04,519 --> 00:06:08,000 It's obvious. You'll have to get murdered. 80 00:06:08,240 --> 00:06:12,000 - You'll never raise that sort of money. - Come now, Baldrick. 81 00:06:12,560 --> 00:06:17,000 A thousand? Pay the fellow, Edmund, and damn his impudence. 82 00:06:17,319 --> 00:06:21,000 I haven't got a thousand, dunghead! I've got 85 quid. 83 00:06:21,720 --> 00:06:25,000 You're always boasting to the Queen about how wealthy you are. 84 00:06:25,560 --> 00:06:31,000 A cunning web of deceit, subtly spun about the court to improve my standing. 85 00:06:31,480 --> 00:06:36,000 - Do you mean you've been...fibbing? - Yep. 86 00:06:36,680 --> 00:06:39,000 My whole life has been a tissue of whoppers. 87 00:06:39,839 --> 00:06:42,000 I consider myself one of England's finest liars. 88 00:06:42,639 --> 00:06:46,000 A giant hummingbird is about to eat your hat and cloak! 89 00:06:46,800 --> 00:06:49,000 You see? I'm terrific at it. 90 00:06:52,519 --> 00:06:55,000 It seems to have gone now. 91 00:06:55,759 --> 00:06:59,000 Couldn't you just dip into the family fortune? 92 00:06:59,560 --> 00:07:04,000 My father blew it all on wine, women and amateur dramatics. 93 00:07:04,279 --> 00:07:08,000 At the end he was eking a living doing impressions of Anne of Cleeves. 94 00:07:09,400 --> 00:07:13,000 Edmund, I am sorry. I had no idea. 95 00:07:13,279 --> 00:07:19,000 I have some small savings harvested from my weekly allowance... 96 00:07:19,399 --> 00:07:22,000 ..set aside against my frail old age. 97 00:07:22,560 --> 00:07:25,000 But lucky haps, it is just over a thousand... 98 00:07:25,399 --> 00:07:29,000 ..and has been hidden beyond the wit of any thief, in an old sock... 99 00:07:29,399 --> 00:07:35,000 ..under the squeaky floorboard behind the kitchen dresser! 100 00:07:36,839 --> 00:07:42,000 - You've seen it! - Seen it, pinched it, spent it. 101 00:07:43,790 --> 00:07:50,000 The same goes for the two farthings Baldrick thinks he has hidden. 102 00:07:51,839 --> 00:07:57,000 Then you are doomed. Alas. 103 00:07:59,000 --> 00:08:03,000 For God's sake, let us sit upon the carpet... 104 00:08:03,920 --> 00:08:05,000 ..and tell sad stories. 105 00:08:06,790 --> 00:08:09,000 When Lord Blackadder is in trouble, he does not sit about. 106 00:08:10,790 --> 00:08:13,000 You won't be able to sit with a spike up your bottom. 107 00:08:13,920 --> 00:08:17,000 But still, I've got 85 quid and that's a start. 108 00:08:17,319 --> 00:08:20,000 I'll think of something as long as I'm not disturbed. 109 00:08:21,000 --> 00:08:24,000 The Queen dost demand your urgent presence on pain of death. 110 00:08:24,720 --> 00:08:26,000 The path of my life... 111 00:08:26,920 --> 00:08:33,000 ..is strewn with cowpats from the Devil's own satanic herd! 112 00:08:35,799 --> 00:08:39,000 - Madam, you sent for me. - Did I? 113 00:08:39,240 --> 00:08:41,000 I can't remember. 114 00:08:41,399 --> 00:08:46,000 What a naughty scatterbrain I am! Zap! 115 00:08:50,480 --> 00:08:55,000 Well, perhaps, Ma'am, if I might be allowed to withdraw. 116 00:08:55,639 --> 00:08:59,000 Certainly. 117 00:09:05,399 --> 00:09:10,000 - That was a terrific joke, wasn't it? - Magnificent! 118 00:09:10,399 --> 00:09:11,000 What, my Lady? 119 00:09:11,919 --> 00:09:17,000 I do know why I wanted to see you, I pretended I didn't. I fooled you. 120 00:09:17,679 --> 00:09:20,000 And it worked brilliantly, didn't it? 121 00:09:20,440 --> 00:09:23,000 It was terrific, Madam. 122 00:09:23,919 --> 00:09:30,000 I thank God I wore my corset, because I think my sides have split. 123 00:09:33,120 --> 00:09:36,000 So, why did you want to see me? 124 00:09:36,279 --> 00:09:38,000 To crack the lovely joke. 125 00:09:38,759 --> 00:09:43,000 Or perhaps you don't think the Queen's jokes are funny enough? 126 00:09:43,720 --> 00:09:46,000 Au contraire. I'm ecstatic about the whole incident. 127 00:09:46,759 --> 00:09:49,000 I didn't laugh out loud because I was afraid if I did... 128 00:09:50,120 --> 00:09:53,000 ..my head would've fallen off. 129 00:09:54,000 --> 00:09:59,000 If you don't start soon, your head will fall off! 130 00:10:01,440 --> 00:10:04,000 Now pay Melchy his 85 pounds and run along. 131 00:10:05,120 --> 00:10:08,000 - 85 pounds? - We had a bet. 132 00:10:08,279 --> 00:10:11,000 I said you wouldn't fall for my trick, Melchy said you would... 133 00:10:11,559 --> 00:10:15,000 ..because I'm so super and you're so stupid. 134 00:10:15,279 --> 00:10:17,000 You owe him 85 pounds. 135 00:10:17,559 --> 00:10:22,000 Fine, fine. I mean, it's only money, isn't it? 136 00:10:23,159 --> 00:10:28,000 I cannot believe it! She drags me all the way from Billingsgate... 137 00:10:28,759 --> 00:10:30,000 ..to play about the weakest practical joke... 138 00:10:31,800 --> 00:10:36,000 ..since Cardinal Wolsey got his knob out at Hampton Court... 139 00:10:36,480 --> 00:10:41,000 ..and stood at the end of the passage pretending to be a door. 140 00:10:42,639 --> 00:10:46,000 Shut up, Baldrick. You'd laugh at a Shakespeare comedy. 141 00:10:46,320 --> 00:10:49,000 Edmund! I've awaited your return. 142 00:10:49,399 --> 00:10:52,000 And thank God you did, for I was thinking: 143 00:10:52,559 --> 00:10:59,000 I die in 12 hours. What I really need now is a hug from a complete prat! 144 00:10:59,240 --> 00:11:03,000 But fear not, I have a plan to save the life of my dear friend. 145 00:11:03,679 --> 00:11:07,000 Look, I'm not interested in your friends! What about me? 146 00:11:07,519 --> 00:11:10,000 Not bad, Edmund. That's a good one. 147 00:11:10,600 --> 00:11:14,000 What's your big plan, blockhead? 148 00:11:14,519 --> 00:11:21,000 I intend to discover, this afternoon, the secret of alchemy. 149 00:11:21,480 --> 00:11:27,000 The hidden art of turning base things into gold. 150 00:11:27,519 --> 00:11:32,000 The fact that this secret has eluded the most intelligent people... 151 00:11:32,720 --> 00:11:35,000 ..doesn't dampen your spirits? 152 00:11:35,480 --> 00:11:39,000 Oh no. I like a challenge. 153 00:11:39,360 --> 00:11:42,000 Well, Balders, I lost 85 quid. 154 00:11:42,360 --> 00:11:47,000 The grave opens up before me like a... big hole in the ground. 155 00:11:47,799 --> 00:11:52,000 Well, I did have one idea, my lord. But it's stupid. 156 00:11:53,120 --> 00:11:54,000 What is it? 157 00:11:55,000 --> 00:12:00,000 I have heard there's good money to be made down the docks. 158 00:12:00,919 --> 00:12:05,000 Doing favours for sailors. 159 00:12:07,390 --> 00:12:09,000 Favours? What do you mean? 160 00:12:09,799 --> 00:12:13,000 Delivering messages, sewing on buttons? 161 00:12:13,480 --> 00:12:16,000 - Not quite. - Baldrick! 162 00:12:17,390 --> 00:12:20,000 Are you suggesting I become a rent boy? 163 00:12:20,879 --> 00:12:24,000 Well, a good-looking bloke like you. Posh accent, nice legs... 164 00:12:24,840 --> 00:12:30,000 Just stick a pink carnation in your hat and make the old sign. 165 00:12:30,799 --> 00:12:32,000 I'd rather die. 166 00:12:32,600 --> 00:12:35,000 That's all right then. I'll put the kettle on while we wait. 167 00:12:35,799 --> 00:12:37,000 On second thoughts... 168 00:12:37,600 --> 00:12:45,000 With a slight alteration, your sick and sordid plan might just work. 169 00:12:50,519 --> 00:12:53,000 Give me a kiss and I'll give you a penny. 170 00:12:54,159 --> 00:12:56,000 - A penny?! - All right then, tuppence! 171 00:12:57,120 --> 00:13:00,000 - Oh, all right, go on. - Nothing fancy, just a peck. 172 00:13:00,600 --> 00:13:04,000 I miss my mum, you see. When I was little, my mum used to... 173 00:13:04,799 --> 00:13:08,000 Look, get a move on. He's a prostitute, not an agony aunt! 174 00:13:09,000 --> 00:13:12,000 Just a little peck on the cheek, and say: 175 00:13:12,759 --> 00:13:17,000 "There, there, Arthur. Mummy'll kiss it better and you shall have a story." 176 00:13:17,919 --> 00:13:20,000 Well, I don't know. Do you do requests, Baldrick? 177 00:13:21,159 --> 00:13:25,000 - Kinky stuff? Yeah, I'm game. - Go on, please. 178 00:13:26,000 --> 00:13:32,000 I miss my mother so much. I mean, she was like a mother to me! 179 00:13:37,240 --> 00:13:41,000 I've forgotten what I'm supposed to say. 180 00:13:42,159 --> 00:13:47,000 There, there, Arthur. Mummy'll kiss it better and you shall have a story. 181 00:13:47,360 --> 00:13:52,000 - What kind of story? - One about a squirrel, I suppose. 182 00:13:52,279 --> 00:13:56,000 And then Squirry the Squirrel went... 183 00:13:56,759 --> 00:13:59,000 And they all went home for tea. 184 00:13:59,440 --> 00:14:03,000 Thanks very much, me ol' shivering mateys! 185 00:14:03,279 --> 00:14:09,000 How much do you charge for a good hard shag? 186 00:14:15,480 --> 00:14:20,000 - A thousand pounds. - You've got to be joking! 187 00:14:20,720 --> 00:14:25,000 Well, I'm sure we could negotiate. 188 00:14:27,000 --> 00:14:31,000 Right, so we've got sixpence. 189 00:14:31,759 --> 00:14:33,000 All we need to do, my lord... 190 00:14:33,919 --> 00:14:37,000 ..is to go down the cockfights and put it on a bird that's a dead cert... 191 00:14:37,600 --> 00:14:40,000 ..but has got odds of forty thousand to one. 192 00:14:41,800 --> 00:14:46,000 - Know you of such a bird? - No, but we could make one. 193 00:14:47,390 --> 00:14:49,000 No, we couldn't, Baldrick. 194 00:14:50,390 --> 00:14:53,000 I suppose you have to be told some time. 195 00:14:54,800 --> 00:14:58,000 What happens is: a mummy bird and a daddy bird... 196 00:14:58,559 --> 00:15:01,000 ..who love each other, get certain urges... 197 00:15:01,440 --> 00:15:05,000 What I mean is: we could get a mad wild killer bull... 198 00:15:05,879 --> 00:15:08,000 ..and disguise it as a bird. 199 00:15:09,000 --> 00:15:13,000 It'll be such a strange-looking bird that no-one will back it. 200 00:15:13,840 --> 00:15:16,000 We'll know it's a killer bull so we'll put money on it. 201 00:15:16,639 --> 00:15:20,000 - Only we will know? - If we stick enough feathers on it... 202 00:15:20,360 --> 00:15:24,000 ..and hang an egg between its legs. 203 00:15:24,480 --> 00:15:27,000 A chat with you and somehow death loses its sting. 204 00:15:27,799 --> 00:15:31,000 The Queen dost demand your presence on pain of death. 205 00:15:32,000 --> 00:15:36,000 You're not making friends here, you do know that? 206 00:15:38,320 --> 00:15:40,000 Madam, you sent for me again. 207 00:15:40,480 --> 00:15:42,000 Yes, Edmund. 208 00:15:42,639 --> 00:15:46,000 I wanted to apologise for the silly trick I played on you. 209 00:15:46,840 --> 00:15:48,000 It was naughty and bad of me. 210 00:15:49,000 --> 00:15:50,000 It was, my little rosebud. 211 00:15:50,879 --> 00:15:58,000 If you weren't quite so big, it'd be time for Mr and Mrs Spank. 212 00:15:58,799 --> 00:16:02,000 Thank you, Nursie. And thank you, Edmund. 213 00:16:02,799 --> 00:16:08,000 - That's all. - Yes, thanks for coming. 214 00:16:17,600 --> 00:16:22,000 That was very funny too, wasn't it? 215 00:16:22,279 --> 00:16:23,000 My Lady? 216 00:16:24,159 --> 00:16:30,000 Dragging you all the way here again just to say sorry for the first time. 217 00:16:30,879 --> 00:16:35,000 It was Melchett's idea. I think it's wonderful, don't you? 218 00:16:35,279 --> 00:16:42,000 Melchett, I prostrate myself at the feet of the world's greatest comedian. 219 00:16:42,320 --> 00:16:45,000 Oh, you are super, Edmund. 220 00:16:45,320 --> 00:16:49,000 I promised Lord Melchett that I would play with him. 221 00:16:50,390 --> 00:16:53,000 But we have no coin. Do you have a halfpenny? 222 00:16:53,320 --> 00:16:55,000 Unfortunately, only a sixpence. What a shame! 223 00:16:56,159 --> 00:17:03,000 - A sixpence will do just as well. - Oh, good! 224 00:17:05,200 --> 00:17:10,000 It stinks like a pair of armoured trousers after the Hundred Years War! 225 00:17:10,799 --> 00:17:14,000 Baldrick, have you been eating dung again? 226 00:17:14,279 --> 00:17:17,000 My lord! Success! 227 00:17:17,480 --> 00:17:20,000 After literally an hour's ceaseless searching... 228 00:17:20,640 --> 00:17:24,000 ..I have succeeded in creating gold. Pure gold! 229 00:17:24,920 --> 00:17:29,000 - Are you sure? - Yes, my lord. 230 00:17:29,319 --> 00:17:31,000 Behold! 231 00:17:32,200 --> 00:17:35,000 Percy, it's green. 232 00:17:36,119 --> 00:17:37,000 That's right, my lord. 233 00:17:38,000 --> 00:17:42,000 I don't want to be pedantic. But the colour of gold is gold. 234 00:17:42,720 --> 00:17:46,000 That's why it's called gold. What you've discovered... 235 00:17:46,240 --> 00:17:51,000 ..if it has a name, is some green. 236 00:17:53,519 --> 00:17:58,000 Oh, Edmund, can it be true? 237 00:17:58,440 --> 00:18:02,000 That I hold here, in my mortal hand... 238 00:18:02,599 --> 00:18:06,000 ..a nugget of purest green? 239 00:18:06,680 --> 00:18:11,000 Indeed you do. Except, it's not only a nugget as it is more of a splat. 240 00:18:11,960 --> 00:18:16,000 Well, yes. A splat today, but tomorrow, who knows? 241 00:18:16,839 --> 00:18:18,000 Or dares to dream! 242 00:18:19,000 --> 00:18:23,000 We three alone in all the world can create the finest green at will. 243 00:18:24,200 --> 00:18:28,000 Thus so! I'm not sure of counting in Baldrick, actually. 244 00:18:28,440 --> 00:18:32,000 You know what your great discovery means, don't you? 245 00:18:32,319 --> 00:18:38,000 That you, Percy... Lord Percy, are an utter berk. 246 00:18:38,839 --> 00:18:41,000 Baldrick! Pack my bags. I'm going to sell the house. 247 00:18:42,790 --> 00:18:44,000 There's nothing else for it. 248 00:18:44,480 --> 00:18:46,000 I shall miss the old place, I know. 249 00:18:46,640 --> 00:18:51,000 I've had some happy times here, when you and Percy have been out. 250 00:18:51,519 --> 00:18:56,000 But needs must when the Devil vomits into your kettle. 251 00:18:56,559 --> 00:19:01,000 Baldrick, go forth and say that Blackadder wishes to sell his house. 252 00:19:01,519 --> 00:19:06,000 Percy, just go forth. 253 00:19:06,400 --> 00:19:09,000 - And this is the den. - Oh, dear. 254 00:19:10,790 --> 00:19:12,000 But I have to tell you, Mr Pants... 255 00:19:12,400 --> 00:19:15,000 ..that I've had an extremely encouraging nibble from another client. 256 00:19:16,000 --> 00:19:21,000 You know me well enough to know that I don't ignore a nibble for long. 257 00:19:21,680 --> 00:19:24,000 I noticed some dry rot in the bedrooms, Timothy. 258 00:19:25,390 --> 00:19:28,000 Well, Mrs Pants, dry rot is as dry rot does. 259 00:19:28,480 --> 00:19:32,000 - Stop me if I'm getting too technical. - The floors are a little uneven. 260 00:19:32,480 --> 00:19:36,000 Indeed yes, Madam, and at no extra cost! 261 00:19:36,440 --> 00:19:40,000 - Strange smell. - That's the servant, he'll be gone. 262 00:19:40,759 --> 00:19:43,000 You've really worked out your banter, haven't you? 263 00:19:43,599 --> 00:19:47,000 Not really. This is a different thing. It's spontaneous and it's called wit. 264 00:19:48,200 --> 00:19:51,000 - And the privies? - When the master craftsman... 265 00:19:52,390 --> 00:19:54,000 ..was looking at the sewage, he said to himself: 266 00:19:54,359 --> 00:20:00,000 "Romeo, let's make them functional, and comfortable." 267 00:20:00,920 --> 00:20:04,000 - That seems nice, dear. - I think we understand each other. 268 00:20:05,000 --> 00:20:09,000 - It's sold then. Drink? - What about the privies? 269 00:20:10,160 --> 00:20:14,000 Well, what we're talking about in privy terms... 270 00:20:14,559 --> 00:20:18,000 ..is the very latest in front-wall, fresh-air orifices... 271 00:20:18,759 --> 00:20:23,000 ..combined with a wide-capacity gutter installation below. 272 00:20:23,519 --> 00:20:28,000 You mean you crap out of the window. 273 00:20:29,790 --> 00:20:31,000 Yes! 274 00:20:31,480 --> 00:20:35,000 Well! In that case, we'll definitely take it! 275 00:20:35,640 --> 00:20:40,000 I can't stand those dirty indoor things. 276 00:20:41,390 --> 00:20:43,000 There! That's the lot. 277 00:20:44,000 --> 00:20:47,000 He only wanted to pay a thousand, but I beat him up to eleven hundred. 278 00:20:48,790 --> 00:20:52,000 - You wily old trickster, you! - I only named the price. 279 00:20:52,359 --> 00:20:56,000 It was Baldrick who actually beat him up. 280 00:20:56,839 --> 00:21:00,000 Percy, what is that on the front of your tunic? 281 00:21:01,160 --> 00:21:07,000 'Tis a brooch, my lord. A brooch cunningly fashioned from pure green. 282 00:21:07,279 --> 00:21:11,000 It looks like you've sneezed. 283 00:21:11,640 --> 00:21:16,000 It is with trinkets such as this brooch, and here, a ring... 284 00:21:16,559 --> 00:21:20,000 ..that I intend to revive your fortunes and buy back your house. 285 00:21:21,390 --> 00:21:25,000 You think there's a big market for jewellry that looks like snot? 286 00:21:26,160 --> 00:21:32,000 The eyes are open, the mouth moves, but Mr Brain has long since departed. 287 00:21:32,759 --> 00:21:35,000 - My lord. - Messenger, thank God. 288 00:21:35,319 --> 00:21:39,000 We couldn't have waited another second without you. 289 00:21:40,480 --> 00:21:45,000 - Majesty! - Thank God. Terrible news! 290 00:21:45,480 --> 00:21:49,000 The French intend to invade, Blackadder. 291 00:21:49,519 --> 00:21:51,000 So I need some money. 292 00:21:52,790 --> 00:21:55,000 Yes, every nobleman must pay 500 pounds. 293 00:21:55,920 --> 00:21:59,000 But we've decided to make you a special case. 294 00:22:00,790 --> 00:22:04,000 Melchy hasn't got a bean, so we thought, as you're so wealthy... 295 00:22:04,759 --> 00:22:07,000 ..you could pay for both! 296 00:22:07,680 --> 00:22:11,000 I have a cash-flow crisis and haven't got any money on me. 297 00:22:12,790 --> 00:22:15,000 - But, Edmund... - Sorry! 298 00:22:15,240 --> 00:22:19,000 What's that in your tights? 299 00:22:20,759 --> 00:22:24,000 It looks like just over a thousand pounds. 300 00:22:24,480 --> 00:22:28,000 - So it is. - You said you didn't have any. 301 00:22:28,359 --> 00:22:34,000 I thought you meant "real" money. This is just a bit of loose change. 302 00:22:34,359 --> 00:22:39,000 A thousand pounds loose in your tights... That's flash! 303 00:22:39,720 --> 00:22:45,000 OK, hand it over. Thanks. Bye. 304 00:22:46,790 --> 00:22:48,000 Well, goodbye indeed. 305 00:22:48,960 --> 00:22:52,000 Goodbye, Ma'am. Goodbye, Melchett. 306 00:22:52,359 --> 00:22:55,000 Goodbye, Nursie. 307 00:22:56,790 --> 00:22:59,000 Bye! 308 00:23:13,790 --> 00:23:17,000 Silly old Edmund! He was completely fooled. 309 00:23:17,319 --> 00:23:22,000 - That was a brilliant joke, Melchy. - Brilliant, Ma'am! 310 00:23:22,880 --> 00:23:27,000 And now I'm going to have you executed. 311 00:23:27,599 --> 00:23:32,000 It's for taking the mickey out of my dear Edmund so cruelly. 312 00:23:32,440 --> 00:23:38,000 - I'm gonna knock your block off. - Majesty, I only intended to please! 313 00:23:38,240 --> 00:23:43,000 Oh, please! I so want to live! 314 00:23:52,240 --> 00:23:58,000 Praise the Lord for the gift of laughter! 315 00:23:58,160 --> 00:24:00,000 I've lost the money. I'm going to have to run away. 316 00:24:00,880 --> 00:24:03,000 - Why, my lord? - To avoid these monks! 317 00:24:03,599 --> 00:24:10,000 No point. The Black Bank's got branches everywhere. 318 00:24:12,279 --> 00:24:19,000 If I die, Baldrick, do you think people would remember me? 319 00:24:19,279 --> 00:24:22,000 People would be slapping each other on the shoulders... 320 00:24:22,640 --> 00:24:26,000 ..and saying: "Do you remember old Privy-breath?" 321 00:24:27,119 --> 00:24:29,000 Do people call me "Privy-breath"? 322 00:24:30,160 --> 00:24:35,000 - The ones who like you. - Am I then not popular? 323 00:24:35,240 --> 00:24:39,000 When people slip in what dogs have left in the street... 324 00:24:39,680 --> 00:24:43,000 ..they do tend to say: "Whoops, I've trod on an Edmund". 325 00:24:43,839 --> 00:24:46,000 Bloody cheek! I'll show them. 326 00:24:46,680 --> 00:24:48,000 Have you got a plan, my lord? 327 00:24:48,799 --> 00:24:51,000 Yes. It's so cunning you could brush your teeth with it. 328 00:24:52,200 --> 00:24:55,000 All I need is some feathers, a dress, some oil, an easel... 329 00:24:56,200 --> 00:25:04,000 ..lots of paper, a prostitute and the best portrait painter in England. 330 00:25:05,480 --> 00:25:11,000 The most famous portrait painter in England: Mr Leonardo Acropolis! 331 00:25:12,790 --> 00:25:17,000 - Right, are you any good? - No! I am...a genius! 332 00:25:17,759 --> 00:25:20,000 Well, you'd better be, or you're dead! 333 00:25:20,480 --> 00:25:25,000 Right, in the bedroom, Beardface. Baldrick, get the door. 334 00:25:35,759 --> 00:25:40,000 My lord, the Bishop of Bath and Wells. 335 00:25:40,599 --> 00:25:44,000 The time has come, Blackadder! 336 00:25:44,920 --> 00:25:47,000 The Black Monks will have their money. 337 00:25:48,790 --> 00:25:50,000 Or I will have my fun. 338 00:25:50,599 --> 00:25:53,000 - You enjoy your work, don't you? - Bits of it, yes. 339 00:25:54,000 --> 00:25:56,000 - The violent bits. - Yes. 340 00:25:56,480 --> 00:26:01,000 You see, I am a colossal pervert. 341 00:26:01,599 --> 00:26:06,000 No form of sexual depravity is too low for me. 342 00:26:06,559 --> 00:26:10,000 Animal, vegetable or mineral... I'll do anything to anything. 343 00:26:11,790 --> 00:26:12,000 Fine words for a Bishop. 344 00:26:12,960 --> 00:26:17,000 Nice to hear the Church speaking out on social issues for a change. 345 00:26:17,799 --> 00:26:20,000 - Have you got the money? - Nope. 346 00:26:20,480 --> 00:26:22,000 Good. I hate it when people pay up. 347 00:26:22,920 --> 00:26:27,000 Say your prayers, Blackadder. It's poker time! 348 00:26:27,599 --> 00:26:32,000 Fine. Are you ever concerned that people might find you out? 349 00:26:32,720 --> 00:26:36,000 No. I kill, I maim, I fornicate. 350 00:26:36,400 --> 00:26:41,000 As far as my flock is concerned my only vice is a tipple before Evensong. 351 00:26:42,160 --> 00:26:45,000 Oh, thank you. 352 00:26:47,000 --> 00:26:50,000 Bend over, Blackadder! 353 00:26:50,720 --> 00:26:55,000 This is where you get... Drugged by God! 354 00:26:55,480 --> 00:26:59,000 No, by Baldrick, but the effect is much the same. 355 00:26:59,880 --> 00:27:04,000 Wakey, wakey, Bish. You clerics really are slugabeds. 356 00:27:04,759 --> 00:27:09,000 - Where am I? I remember...drugged. - That's right. 357 00:27:09,720 --> 00:27:13,000 You should have killed me while you had the chance. 358 00:27:13,240 --> 00:27:17,000 You have looked in wonder at your last dawn, Blackadder! 359 00:27:17,759 --> 00:27:23,000 I'm not so sure. I did wonder what people who saw this might think. 360 00:27:23,519 --> 00:27:27,000 Heavens above, what creatures from Hell are those? 361 00:27:27,519 --> 00:27:30,000 They make an interesting couple? I think you'll recognise... 362 00:27:31,119 --> 00:27:37,000 ..this huge, sweating mound of blubber here, Fatso. 363 00:27:39,390 --> 00:27:42,000 There's no point. We have the preliminary sketches. 364 00:27:43,000 --> 00:27:47,000 We'll soon make some copies. One for the Queen, one for the Archbishop. 365 00:27:47,400 --> 00:27:52,000 And a couple to form the basis of an exhibition of a young artist's work. 366 00:27:52,400 --> 00:27:55,000 By the horns of Beelzebub, how did you get me into that position? 367 00:27:55,839 --> 00:28:02,000 Beautifully framed, don't you think? It's exactly what happened to you. 368 00:28:02,400 --> 00:28:08,000 Never have I encountered such corrupt and foul-minded perversity! 369 00:28:08,519 --> 00:28:11,000 Have you ever considered a career in the Church? 370 00:28:11,839 --> 00:28:14,000 No, I could never get used to the underwear. 371 00:28:14,839 --> 00:28:18,000 I could use eleven hundred pounds to buy back my house, 372 00:28:18,559 --> 00:28:22,000 four thousand pounds to cover some sundry expences... 373 00:28:23,000 --> 00:28:29,000 ..and thruppence for a celebratory binge at Mrs Miggins' pie shop. 374 00:28:29,319 --> 00:28:34,000 Yes, but first, one question: Who is the second figure? 375 00:28:34,599 --> 00:28:39,000 Who could you have got to have performed such deeds, 376 00:28:40,000 --> 00:28:46,000 to have plunged the depths of degradation just to save your filthy life? 377 00:28:50,640 --> 00:28:54,000 Percy, may I introduce His Grace, the Bishop of Bath and Wells. 378 00:28:55,390 --> 00:29:00,000 Your Grace, Lord Percy Percy, heir to the Duchy of Northumberland. 379 00:29:00,880 --> 00:29:04,000 Hello. 380 00:29:04,640 --> 00:29:09,000 It was lovely working with you. 381 00:29:09,599 --> 00:29:16,000 Be not a borrower or lender 382 00:29:16,839 --> 00:29:23,000 Make sure your banker's not a bender 383 00:29:23,599 --> 00:29:30,000 He trusted in the Church 384 00:29:30,599 --> 00:29:37,000 It left him in the lurch 385 00:29:37,640 --> 00:29:44,000 His life was almost done 386 00:29:44,599 --> 00:29:53,000 Who gives a toss? No-one.